Privately...

I consider myself a fairly private person. Not private in the sense that I am shy - because I am not- and anyone who knows me knows how much I love to talk (especially about JJ), but private in the sense that I don't like to share my "problems." I try my best to be tough. I hate to admit defeat, and sometimes that means putting on a pretty face even when things are bad.

My doctor has told me on a few occasions that I have a "high pain tolerance," but I consider myself more high maintenance than anything and her assessment came only after my refusal to admit I was having any pain during my ectopic pregnancies. I thought that if I could fight through the pain that somehow I could stay pregnant and everything would be OK in the end...we all know it doesn't happen that way. I think twice about even posting about my infertility issues or failed pregnancies because it is further proof that I am being defeated. Being a Christian in has helped me to acknowledge this fault of mine. I know that God is the only perfect one and everyone else is just like me...faults, disappointment, and all.

I bring these things up because I have once again found myself in a predicament, and once again it is medical in nature. And I need help. So I am going to ask....I will be having surgery on Tuesday at noon and need all of your prayers for the very best possible outcome. I am very nervous and hate the thought of going "under the knife" (although I know Michelle will tell me there is nothing to worry about ;) . I just feel so vulnerable being on that table - totally out of it. The only other times I have had surgery were in emergency situations and I had no choice but to have the surgery right at that time. Since I have opened myself up, I will share with you some minor details (it's all I can allow myself - sorry)... The doctors have found something growing inside of me...we really don't know what until it can be biopsied. It is dangerously close to my reproductive organs and who knows, could be the root of why I haven't been able to get pregnant. It is pretty large. We need to pray that it is benign and that it can be removed without damage to any of my organs. So if you think of it, please add me to your list.